(I wrote this blog post a few months ago, but want to share it here now.)

The Holy Spirit enlightened my mind last night through my wife.

Whenever my wife and I have a “big” or “serious” argument, which is quite rare for us, she tends to be more emotional and therefore aggressive.  She is hurt and/or feels an injustice has taken place, which leads to her anger.  Her anger leads to her emotionally charged words directed at me.  Her goal is to make me feel the pain or frustration that she feels (to a lesser degree, an equal degree, or a greater degree).  She is aggressive in her attempt to achieve this.

I, on the other hand, am more of a “thinker” than a “feeler”.  I tend to be more reserved and calm in my approach.  Often what happens, however, is that I let her angry words produce anger in me, and I respond accordingly.  I have always blamed her for this, since I am the one who is seeking to be calm and use less emotionally charged words (at least initially).

But, becasue of God’s gracious answer to my prayer for wisdom and insight, I learned something last night.  I learned that we have the same goal in an argument.  I am hurt or feel an injustice has occurred for which I am angry and I want her to feel the weight of her sin against me.  I want her to feel the pain that I feel for what she said, did, or didn’t do to me (to a lesser, equal, or greater degree).

Just because I don’t pursue that end aggressively (at least not at first), does not mean that I’m not pursuing it.  I tend to be passive-aggressive; that is, I seek the same thing she seeks (pain for the other person) in a calm, cool, and collected way.  She comes barging in the front door, whereas I come sneaking in the back door.  Both of us seeking to accomplish the same thing.

I have been ignorantly arrogant and self-deceived about this for a long time (Jeremiah 17:9-10).  I always try to get her to leave her emotions out of the argument, as if my passive-aggressive way of achieving a wicked end is better than her aggressive way.  The problem is not so much the mode of operation, but the intended goal of our operations.  It is sinful to seek to hurt another person, especially one’s own spouse (Ephesians 5:15-33; I Peter 3:1-7), no matter what the approach may be.

What makes this so evil for me is that not only do I seek the same sinful end as she, namely, to make the other person feel the same pain we feel, and not only do I often revert to the aggressive method of achieving this end (using harsh words and childish gestures and mean faces), but I also seek to make her feel worse about being the main and/or first aggressive one and myself feel better about being the passive-aggressive one.

For these sins (of purposefully seeking to hurt my wife with my mean and mean-spirited words, of dishonoring my wife and more than that, the God who gave her to me, and of my self-deceiving arrogance), I repent with a heavy and sad heart, humbled in my shame and guilt.  I fall at the feet of Jesus, my (the only) Savior, yet once again, calling out to Him in faith for mercy to cleanse me, save me, forgive me, and change me for His glory.